OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. Honestly, I’m not diagnosed by a doctor, but I do show many signs of it and I feel like the best way to deal with it is to accept it.
Over the years, my OCD has gotten worse. I’ve always liked things neat and organized. With a cluttered thought process like mine, just the simple look of pens all facing the same way can ease my mind and make me not feel completely crazy for a second.
Once I started college, I began thinking for myself and being confident. I continued to work for two years and finally got to where I wanted to be mentally. Unfortunately, that work went to shit when I dated someone who used my kindness for personal gain.
Imagine you’re stacking quarters – one quarter per day. For approximately 2 years/730 days/$182.50 in quarters, I stacked and stacked for him to come in and pull the bottom quarter out from day 1. I spent the next four months gathering my quarters.
For those four months, I stopped doing everything that eased my OCD tendencies. I kept my things together but I wasn’t itching to constantly make sure everything was in place. I shut down as a person to build myself back up; I was holding the home button and power button on my life. My life went black and then the brightness came back. I realized that I wasn’t acting much on my anxious ticks of organizing my drawer or tearing my closet apart just to put it back in a more organized way. Having this epiphany helped me get back on track. I shortly bounced back from the collapse of my quarter tower.
So now imagine having a constant need to make things neat and organized. I would describe my thoughts as a pile of rainbow sprinkles and I’m constantly sorting them by color. I’m also going to throw in the fact that I’m blue-green/blue-red color blind.
It’s one of those piles that continues to get bigger. Every fucking second it multiplies exponentially. I can’t control it. I’m always sorting through: am I making him happy enough? Am I doing everything right? Am I doing a good enough job as President of Danceworks? I need to post about my workout today. I hope I don’t fuck up. How should I handle a communication issue? I don’t wanna be overbearing. Am I’m being too much? Am I going to ruin something else again? It’s just a constant domino of thoughts swirling around my head. All day. Everyday.
It wasn’t until recently when I felt like someone was beating me down that I realized that, besides my anxious ticks, I have to be around people to ease my mind. Friends, acquaintances, strangers, whatever it may be. The connections I make with people I know (or don’t know) make me feel full inside. I’m glad I decided to run as President even though I was scared that I wasn’t ready for it. I’m glad I have put myself in stressful situations with people I don’t know because now I know a handful of people that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I’m glad I care about everyone else around me just as much as I care about myself. The people around me everyday get me through the jumble of rainbow sprinkles constantly being shuffled in my head.